I battle pretty bad depression. This year, 2014 (and a good chunk of 2013) have been hellish for me. I divorced in February 2014, after an initial separation in April 2013 (and a brief reconciliation that ended with final separation in late October 2013). I had trouble finding a place to live, though I’m in a place I love now. But I’ve always had issues being alone. I was never good at “dating”/meeting women (I’m a man, mid-40s), and in fact I married my (now ex) wife of 19 years within 3 days of meeting. I was lonely, scared of spending my life with no one. I have no close family, no siblings, distant parents (only my father and stepmother are alive, they are not close…either in proximity or in a family way).
My “return” to dating, as it were, hasn’t been very successful. I constantly get told I’m very nice, gentlemanly, and I’m financially secure. But no one is ever really interested. My most recent girlfriend actually, to my surprise, fell quite hard for me…but then reconsidered (felt it was too soon after HER divorce). Thing is, it’s rare for me to even get a date or even a second look.
This has always been a source of…frankly, pain and heartache for me. I see so many others who are in seemingly happy relationships…it hurts enough that I honestly avoid functions for “couples” so I don’t have to see what I cannot seem to achieve.
Sometimes…that pain and depression get the better of me. I often want out…out of life. Facing the next 30-40 years alone is sometimes too painful a thought. I was effectively alone the last 7 years I was married…it had died long ago, we were never truly compatible, simply forced it to “work” for the sake of a child…who is now an adult.
This may sound cheesy, stupid, asinine, or many other things…but the only thing I truly want is someone to love, who loves me equally in return. Someone who cares about me, about my trials and triumphs, and someone with whom I can share their trials and triumphs as well. Someone who wants me…not *needs* me (my ex actually stated she stayed for the last 7 years out of financial necessity, not because she wanted to).
I want to believe it’s actually possible to be loved. My life until now, in my mid-40s, has demonstrated I’m somehow “unloveable”. If that is truly the case, if I’m truly destined to be alone for the rest of my life…I don’t want that life to be too long, because it’s like facing an empty desert that never ends and never sustains you.