Posted by: subsailor | December 31, 2014

The pain of solitude

I battle pretty bad depression. This year, 2014 (and a good chunk of 2013) have been hellish for me. I divorced in February 2014, after an initial separation in April 2013 (and a brief reconciliation that ended with final separation in late October 2013). I had trouble finding a place to live, though I’m in a place I love now. But I’ve always had issues being alone. I was never good at “dating”/meeting women (I’m a man, mid-40s), and in fact I married my (now ex) wife of 19 years within 3 days of meeting. I was lonely, scared of spending my life with no one. I have no close family, no siblings, distant parents (only my father and stepmother are alive, they are not close…either in proximity or in a family way).

My “return” to dating, as it were, hasn’t been very successful. I constantly get told I’m very nice, gentlemanly, and I’m financially secure. But no one is ever really interested. My most recent girlfriend actually, to my surprise, fell quite hard for me…but then reconsidered (felt it was too soon after HER divorce). Thing is, it’s rare for me to even get a date or even a second look.

This has always been a source of…frankly, pain and heartache for me. I see so many others who are in seemingly happy relationships…it hurts enough that I honestly avoid functions for “couples” so I don’t have to see what I cannot seem to achieve.

Sometimes…that pain and depression get the better of me. I often want out…out of life. Facing the next 30-40 years alone is sometimes too painful a thought. I was effectively alone the last 7 years I was married…it had died long ago, we were never truly compatible, simply forced it to “work” for the sake of a child…who is now an adult.

This may sound cheesy, stupid, asinine, or many other things…but the only thing I truly want is someone to love, who loves me equally in return. Someone who cares about me, about my trials and triumphs, and someone with whom I can share their trials and triumphs as well. Someone who wants me…not *needs* me (my ex actually stated she stayed for the last 7 years out of financial necessity, not because she wanted to).

I want to believe it’s actually possible to be loved. My life until now, in my mid-40s, has demonstrated I’m somehow “unloveable”. If that is truly the case, if I’m truly destined to be alone for the rest of my life…I don’t want that life to be too long, because it’s like facing an empty desert that never ends and never sustains you.

Posted by: subsailor | July 9, 2014

Ever just get tired of being alone? – with Myself

View on Path

Posted by: subsailor | May 4, 2014

Eviction notice

To the “person” who has been living rent-free in my head:

You are hereby evicted.  Immediately.  

I do not need your negative thoughts…your demeaning, your tearing down of me, your emotional turmoil.

I’ve had enough over the past year to last a lifetime.  Enough.

Get out of my mind.  Leave.  You are not wanted here, not welcome here, and do not have leave to return.

I have been through enough hell to last a lifetime, and I now want to heal.  

I want to feel good again, and you are only holding me back.  I want to feel love, give love, be happy, know myself for who I truly am, and grow as a person.  You have no part in any of that.  You have no part anymore in ANYTHING good in my life.

Therefore, effective immediately (11:00 PM MST, May 4th 2014) you are hereby evicted.  Take whatever voice(s) you speak in and leave.  Do not return.  You are no longer welcome…in any voice, with any name.

Posted by: subsailor | May 3, 2014

Want to know where the “good guys” have gone?

Dear ladies who always ask “where have all the good guys gone?”,

We’re right here.  You ignore us.

We’re your friends, because you tell us “let’s just be friends”.

We’re the ones you left…to get back together (again) with the guy who treated you like crap.

We’re not as “exciting” as the “bad boys”.  So you don’t notice us…don’t give us the time of day.

You only notice us if you need something.  See, we’re the ones who are dependable.  But we can always depend on being the ones left behind when the ones with the flashy cars, fancy clothes, and big piles of cash come along.

We can also depend on hearing about it (and being nice enough to listen) when the “flashy” guy bails on you for your hotter, more exciting friend.

We are the ones who understand and believe every excuse you have for canceling at the last minute when you have plans with us.  We’re also the ones who are understanding when you can drop anything at any time for Mr. Spontaneous with the platinum card and the country club membership.

We’re right there in front of your eyes.  You are just never interested in us.

But we’re not completely stupid.  We do the same thing over and over again…for a while…expecting different results.  But eventually we wise up.

We see that we’re just a disposable item to you after a while.  We stop trying.

We move on.

So someday, when the current “flavor of the month” has once again taken you for a thrilling ride and left you afterwards cold and alone…we won’t be there.  We’ve heard it enough.

Someday, when you finally reach us on your priority list (when you get down that far on it), we won’t be there.

Someday when you realize we are a better choice than the jackass who treats you like a punching bag…you’ll be out of choices, as we will have made the same realization about you.

We will finally move on.  Maybe we will have found someone who actually values our company.

Or maybe we’ll just give up on the whole stupid game.

You see, ladies, we get tired of hearing all the comments that you women don’t “need a man”.  Guess what…we don’t “need a woman” either.

We want to be with you.  But after too long a time we see the light…it’s “want”, not “need”, and no one needs to spend their life being someone’s forgotten token.

So…when you find yourself alone and lonely, and discover us “nice guys” are nowhere to be found, remember you have the rich, pretty, exciting ones that treat you like a piece of arm-candy.  Remember them?  The mean ones, the indifferent ones, the abusive ones.  The ones so stuck on themselves they barely realize you exist.  The ones you went back to over and over, all the while complaining there were no “nice guys” or “good guys”.

The ones you chose over us.  When you’re eventually feeling lonely yourself, well…take heart, they are still around.  Try your luck again with them.

Us “good guys” do eventually get tired of waiting, of being “second fiddle”.  We’re patient…but that patience isn’t infinite.

So…good luck with the “bad ones”.  Wait long enough and that’s all you’ll have left.


The “Good Guys”

Posted by: subsailor | December 31, 2013

It’s New Year’s Eve, and I feel cynical, hurt, and alone.

Happy… I’ve got news for you: you were lied to. There is no such thing as “happy”.

The world operates on money. Or better…it operates on the concept of “what can you do for me “. That is all people care about. What you can do for them. No one loves you. No one gives a damn about you unless you can do something for them.

Love is a joke. The concept that someone would care about you even though you can’t do anything for them is ridiculous. People just don’t operate that way. All you are to anyone as a number…how much money they can get from you, what you can do for them, or what you’re going to cost them.

When they’re done using you, they just cast you aside. You’re yesterday’s news. If you can’t “contribute”, you’re of no use to anyone. No one is going to care about you.

No one does anything for you without expecting something in return. If they do be very suspicious. Somehow, somewhere, sometime…you’ll pay for it.

Neither the world nor anyone and it really gives a damn about you. Once a person “has theirs” all they care about is keeping it, they don’t care about anyone else.

If you think anyone loves you unconditionally…you’re kidding yourself. Everybody wants something. That’s all it boils down to. What you can do for them. If you can’t do anything for them, they don’t give a damn about you. That’s how the world works.

The sum total of human existence is nothing more than a big game of Monopoly. The only reason anyone helps you or expresses any kind of caring about you is so that they can gain something from you eventually.

Welcome to the reality of the world and your fellow man. It sucks, it’s a piece of shit, and you’re in this all by yourself from the moment you’re born until the moment you die. If you think otherwise you’re a naïve fool.

Posted by: subsailor | June 30, 2013


I’ve been having a real struggle lately…I think I’m severely depressed.

My biggest issue…I don’t feel I have anyone to talk to about it.

My wife feels it’s “my problem” and I need to just take care of it myself.  I feel like I’m a drag to (and imposing on) friends, who have been patient but seem to be tiring of my issues.  So…I can talk to the cats, or the lawnmower.  Or a wall, or something.

I went through a separation (April 2013), and even though we’re back together, things on my end just don’t seem to be getting better.  

I’m unhappy.  I don’t know why.  I just want out…but I don’t know what I want out of.  I’m confused…sad…lack motivation.  

I want someone to just tell me it will be OK.  To say they love me, no matter what, and listen to me as I try to work through my issues.  I want someone to seem like they care.  To just listen…not blame, judge, or anything else.  Just listen.

I want someone to think my feelings are valid, not just “my problem”.  

I don’t know what I’m going to do.  I know I’m tired of doing what I’m doing now, of being who I am now.  

Honestly, I just want everything to turn off for a long while.

Posted by: subsailor | April 6, 2013

A long overdue update

I don’t get on here much…however, here’s an update. I’m in a theatre production, and adaptation of Henrik Ibsen’s “A Doll’s House”, that was recently selected to represent New Mexico at the AACTFest 2013 Region VI competition. We will be competing against 8 other theatre companies from Texas, New Mexico, Louisiana, Oklahoma, and Arkansas. Our show is April 20th at 10 AM at the Acadiana Center for the Arts in Lafayette, LA

Posted by: subsailor | March 14, 2013


Ever had to deal with it? It stinks.

I’m struggling with dealing with several emotionally disturbing issues right now. Things that I’ve either never had to deal with, or that I don’t recall how to handle (or my old methods are no longer working).

I honestly don’t know how I’m going to sort all of it out. Especially when the one I am supposed to be able to turn to is not willing to listen or help.

Tom Pierce (R)

Dear Tom Pierce,

I was out late last night. Thus I was enjoying sleeping in on a Saturday morning. Having your campaigners (two kids, with an adult out at the street in a pickup truck) ring my doorbell I suppose is understandable…the first time. The second, third, and FOURTH…not appreciated. When I answer the door in a robe, hair disheveled, and obviously sleepy from being woken up, you’d have thought they would have gotten the hint. NOOOO…started peppering me with questions, and when I said “just leave the card on the table” and started to shut the door, THEY RING THE DOORBELL AGAIN to get my attention (ever think there are others in the house?). What did they want? To put up a yard sign. You can imagine what I wanted to say, but as they were kids (looked to be about 8 and 12), I politely said “no, I don’t allow yard signs”.

They finally left, after which I called you, Mr. Pierce. I expressed my displeasure, firmly but (I think) civilly, and indicated that this was NOT the way to win my vote. I then hung up. Get the hint? Don’t friggin’ bother me on a Saturday morning? NOOOO, you didn’t…you called back! Maybe when I answered and told you point blank “I am not voting for you, I don’t want to talk to you, don’t call again, GOODBYE!” you got the hint. At that point, you at least didn’t call again.

Let me clue you in to campaigning, Mr. Pierce…rude campaigning is not the way to win votes. Also, having a date some 4 months in the past on the card your campaigners are handing out really doesn’t help (unless, of course, there is a special election next June I’m not aware of, in which case I’ll mark it down as a chance to vote for any opponent you have).

I do, however, now know your phone number (575-390-8700), so if I ever need to list a phone number for some stupid registration of a product that is sure to get me tons of spam phone calls, I know what to put down. Thanks for that, at least.


Someone who will never support you in an election,

PS: Whoever is running your campaign…fire them. Get someone with a clue. Might I suggest Miss Manners?

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